We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
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Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day