Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
guilty
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself