If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Huge, if true.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try