t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.