Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story