[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
You Might Also Like
Unexpected Judgment
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.