My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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Wrong, more lasagna.
The asteroid..
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
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His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
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ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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me: single-use garment? what a waste
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the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
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Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.