who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Note to self: I am a note
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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