If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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🙄😏😂🤣
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts