For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
the Monday after daylight savings
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Dammit Chief not again
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??