Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free