* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
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Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper