I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
normalize having existential bread
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
That was easy.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself