My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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i’m still crying at this
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Why is this me 😫
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.