[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.