If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Okay me first
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.