i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
He’s dead