[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
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There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.