*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
LA today:
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
BRO LMFAO
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest