Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.