My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
You Might Also Like
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.