Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I missed you with all my darts
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.