Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.