Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man