me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.