Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
quarantine day 3
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?