“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
You Might Also Like
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.