Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though