Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The Struggle
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Cheers Twitter.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”