Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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tourist season
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
This is the coolest video you will see today.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*