How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive