Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
New menu item
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box