8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!