Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
You Might Also Like
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I just ran a .003048K
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.