So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.