My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
How high do the levels go?
*puts my mental health in rice
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)