Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”