I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Nice try, poison.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.