“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook