Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
What a chick magnet..
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.