KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*