We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
#Caturday
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.