“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
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Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.