i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Who knew!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.