The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
#damn
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.