WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.