If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here