At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
You Might Also Like
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off