Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie