optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me